Recovering From Lies: There is Work On Both Sides
Few things in marriage are more devastating than lying (or any form of deception). If you've read What To Do When A Spouse Lies by Drs. Les and Leslie, then you know the common reasons for lying and that there are essentially two types of lies. Whether or not you and your relationship recovers from a lie depends on two factors: the type of lie and your ability to forgive.
Factor One: The Type of Lie
Some people lie to avoid hurting the person they love. The hard part about this sentiment is that as loving as the sentiment seems this type of lie is still selfish. It is selfish because this type of lie is not told to avoid hurt, but to avoid consequence. It is passive. Seeing a spouse hurt and what they might do out of that hurt is a consequence which one does want to deal with (most likely because it may include accepting a loss).
The first step to healing from this type of lie is to acknowledge the lie and the reason for the lie. If you are the one who lied it is better if you are forthcoming with this information rather than having your spouse drag it out of you. This is because your goal now becomes to build blocks of trust. You want to your spouse to have a new track record to rely on with you.
The second step is to bypass the temptation to act out from the exhaustion of feeling guilty. If you have ever felt like you can't win for loosing after you've wronged your spouse, then you know this temptation. This temptation often says "I might as well keep doing it or leave since I am still being accused." Following this temptation will do more harm than good. Not only will you let your spouse down, but you will let yourself down. You will let yourself down by breaking your own resolve. You damage your self confidence and self assurance about your ability to keep your word and being reliable to yourself. Avoid this by not allowing your spouse's actions to dictate your own. Replace your frustration with compassion.
Listen intently to your spouse when they bring up the past. Apologize that the circumstance still affects them. Then pray with them in the area of their pain. Maybe the offense incited fear or damaged their self esteem. Pray for them to see themselves through God's eyes rather than through the lens of what the offense implies. Continuing to do this conveys an important message: God heals the marriage, not you. Every time you feel exhausted pray and encourage your spouse with positive affirmation.
Do not dis-acknowledge your exhaustion, but instead encourage your spouse to share your hope to improve and heal your marriage. Constantly living under the weight of guilt has negative effects on you and keeps you from being the loving spouse you want to be in your marriage. Your spouse needs to know this. You will have to share in the responsibility of healing your marriage and this is just the beginning.
However, if your spouse has maliciously lied to you, it has to be acknowledged that this type of relationship is not healthy to engage long term. You can remove yourself from an unhealthy situation and still forgive. We are all called to live in peace. Do not feel pressured to make the person change. Real change comes from the person and is influenced by God, not another person.
Factor Two: Forgiveness
True healing in any relationship starts with forgiveness. The problem is when we are hurt it is difficult focus on helping anyone else. We are unable to forgive from within ourselves. Therefore, we must forgive using God as our catalyst. We have to see from God's perspective why forgiving is so important. We have to make a decision to remember that we are not innocent (any of us). Yet, God forgave us. What we often don't know is that God's forgiveness did not come out of just "love".
God said in Isaiah 43:25 he blots out our transgressions for his sake, meaning for himself; for his own ability to express his love without reservation. (Not just for love.) God wants to love us. He made a decision to not allow anything to get in the way of his love for us including the things we do to sabotage ourselves. If you want to love despite hurt in your marriage, this is the model of forgiveness you must follow.
Forgiveness and love are not only actions, but daily decisions. You have to repeat the decision until it becomes like breathing air; a necessity you just do without thinking about it. Like God, a little repentance doesn't hurt in making forgiveness easier. Just remember that Jesus saved us from offenses that will happen not just the ones which had taken place already. Try not to take this example for granted by giving the hurt too much weight for too long.
After the hurt you have a decision to make; to forgive or to walk away. Spoiler alert: walking away from the relationship doesn't get rid of the hurt. Whether it's with your spouse or someone else eventually you will have to face the hurt. Forgiveness allows you to face hurt with a purpose to receive healing. Choosing to forgive means refusing to stifle the positive attributes of your spouse and allowing them room to grow in the areas of needed improvement.
It's the mirror image of what God does with us.
Factor One: The Type of Lie
Some people lie to avoid hurting the person they love. The hard part about this sentiment is that as loving as the sentiment seems this type of lie is still selfish. It is selfish because this type of lie is not told to avoid hurt, but to avoid consequence. It is passive. Seeing a spouse hurt and what they might do out of that hurt is a consequence which one does want to deal with (most likely because it may include accepting a loss).
The first step to healing from this type of lie is to acknowledge the lie and the reason for the lie. If you are the one who lied it is better if you are forthcoming with this information rather than having your spouse drag it out of you. This is because your goal now becomes to build blocks of trust. You want to your spouse to have a new track record to rely on with you.
The second step is to bypass the temptation to act out from the exhaustion of feeling guilty. If you have ever felt like you can't win for loosing after you've wronged your spouse, then you know this temptation. This temptation often says "I might as well keep doing it or leave since I am still being accused." Following this temptation will do more harm than good. Not only will you let your spouse down, but you will let yourself down. You will let yourself down by breaking your own resolve. You damage your self confidence and self assurance about your ability to keep your word and being reliable to yourself. Avoid this by not allowing your spouse's actions to dictate your own. Replace your frustration with compassion.
Listen intently to your spouse when they bring up the past. Apologize that the circumstance still affects them. Then pray with them in the area of their pain. Maybe the offense incited fear or damaged their self esteem. Pray for them to see themselves through God's eyes rather than through the lens of what the offense implies. Continuing to do this conveys an important message: God heals the marriage, not you. Every time you feel exhausted pray and encourage your spouse with positive affirmation.
Do not dis-acknowledge your exhaustion, but instead encourage your spouse to share your hope to improve and heal your marriage. Constantly living under the weight of guilt has negative effects on you and keeps you from being the loving spouse you want to be in your marriage. Your spouse needs to know this. You will have to share in the responsibility of healing your marriage and this is just the beginning.
However, if your spouse has maliciously lied to you, it has to be acknowledged that this type of relationship is not healthy to engage long term. You can remove yourself from an unhealthy situation and still forgive. We are all called to live in peace. Do not feel pressured to make the person change. Real change comes from the person and is influenced by God, not another person.
Factor Two: Forgiveness
True healing in any relationship starts with forgiveness. The problem is when we are hurt it is difficult focus on helping anyone else. We are unable to forgive from within ourselves. Therefore, we must forgive using God as our catalyst. We have to see from God's perspective why forgiving is so important. We have to make a decision to remember that we are not innocent (any of us). Yet, God forgave us. What we often don't know is that God's forgiveness did not come out of just "love".
God said in Isaiah 43:25 he blots out our transgressions for his sake, meaning for himself; for his own ability to express his love without reservation. (Not just for love.) God wants to love us. He made a decision to not allow anything to get in the way of his love for us including the things we do to sabotage ourselves. If you want to love despite hurt in your marriage, this is the model of forgiveness you must follow.
Forgiveness and love are not only actions, but daily decisions. You have to repeat the decision until it becomes like breathing air; a necessity you just do without thinking about it. Like God, a little repentance doesn't hurt in making forgiveness easier. Just remember that Jesus saved us from offenses that will happen not just the ones which had taken place already. Try not to take this example for granted by giving the hurt too much weight for too long.
After the hurt you have a decision to make; to forgive or to walk away. Spoiler alert: walking away from the relationship doesn't get rid of the hurt. Whether it's with your spouse or someone else eventually you will have to face the hurt. Forgiveness allows you to face hurt with a purpose to receive healing. Choosing to forgive means refusing to stifle the positive attributes of your spouse and allowing them room to grow in the areas of needed improvement.
It's the mirror image of what God does with us.
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