Romance (Hers)

By: Shawnee Eskridge, Faith Based Clinical Therapist

Bible Tool: Love, Romance and Marriage

Off the top I had a problem for this post. It was an issue I came across trying to address the topic of romance in my marriage. "Romance" is not listed any where in the bible. However, before I wrote this post God revealed to me that the concepts of romance  are clearly outlined in the bible. For starters "with love and kindness I draw them to me" and/or "I draw neigh unto you.". This is my very definition of romance; the things done to bring about and nurture a deep, intimate closeness.

I don't subscribe to the given definition of romance. It's specifically the "mystery" and the "remoteness from everyday life" that I take strong issue against. This is not the definition of romance I envision for my marriage. Something so bleak. Romance should fill my love tank in these areas: spiritual, emotional, mental and physical. Before my marriage romance could be involved in any area of my life.

I want to worship; be swept off my feet; have a conversation that leaves me smarter than when I started; and then be held after some very passionate, vigorous "Married People Time". For centuries, I guess, this has been a very tall order for men. My husband was no exception.

Romance involves timing, attention to detail (a.k.a not a "mystery"), and the ability to convey or express how well you know your partner/spouse by those details. It's more than generic roses and chocolates. What are her favorites flowers? What is her favorite candy? It's more than Valentine's Day. Romance is in the "just because". Romance is the small gestures (as well as the grand ones) and the love notes. Romance is the time he takes to plan something special just for me (as well as the quality of his time).

I learned, all this at once, this is overwhelming for any man; not just mine. Men tend to need the bullets points. For Terry it would look like this:

• Jesus -consistently
• Dates and good conversation - consistently
• Candle lights, magnolias, wine and M&M's/Whoopers
• Love notes and songs
• Acts of domestic service
• Lots of hugs, petting and massages

I hate the formula format, but it's how he understands my need for romance. As long as he doesn't treat me like a formula, we're good. I don't have a sign that reads "Press this button to get this action."

Hell, no! Romantic actions should be done and expressed to me in a way that let's me know it's because my husband desires to be closer to me. He has to want me. For the context of my specific relationship, I must also stress that I need to hear it. Romance and faith have that in common for me. I have to hear it in repetition. (Especially, to know that it is more than sexual chemistry.)

Even with the bullet points my husband still found it difficult to do romance consistently. The way this translated to me as "for some reason Terry did not find me worth romancing". At one point I felt the only reason he wanted me or romanced me when I was upset was just to keep me home. When I express this to Terry, at first, nothing changed. However, when I explained to Terry what romance meant to me and the eventual consequences of leaving me with this void, then things began to change.

I couldn't explain what turned his attitude around. Terry and I tend to do devotions separately. We share the outcomes/results of our conversations with God afterwards. Sometimes we agree to come together to do devotion, but still I don't always know Terry's personal conversations with God. Therefore, I had no idea in what way Terry was working on himself in the area of romance. I only knew I agreed to give God a chance and to be a little more patient with Terry.

In this period of waiting I discovered this revelation. There were eight years Terry and I were not together; barely even friends. We were out in the world discovering who we wanted to be in life. Those eight years were significant because we discovered ourselves and defined our identities in relationships. We found our likes and dislikes, turn-ons and turn -offs, our boundaries and deal breakers. This is the period of time when my definition of romance was shaped, formed, solidified.

The most significant thing about these eight years is that neither one of us had any input or influence on the other's experience on the subject of romance. The revelation blindsided me. It was unfair to suddenly expect someone to know what I needed in the romance department. Terry did not know the journey of how I got there. It was then I realized I had to let him in on my experience. However, that turned out to be half of my battle. 

Eventually, I learned I also had to want to understand Terry's experience with romance as well. I needed to learn his story. As it turns out, Terry's story positioned his experience in direct opposition to my experience. (Check back this Friday for Terry's story!) We'd come to an impasse in our marriage. A lack of romance is a deal breaker for me.

If I have learned one thing in this relationship is that deal breakers do not mean I have to be the one to break. I (and we) have the option of being patient until the deal breaks one way or the other. So far, the deal of romance is breaking in my favor and in the favor of my marriage. It's a slow growth. The best thing to come out of it so far has been how close we have become craving our path to romance.

Nothing is the way I thought it would be. It's unique rather than textbook. Our romance is definitely not the standard fairy tale. We're still working on the consistency thing, but I like the direction we are headed in.

Check out our YouTube video series about Romance starting this Friday, February 23rd.