AYOY! Get A Better Outlook
I love relationships. That's why I started my own counseling service. However, even before Romance Recovery Counseling opened, I used to go through Yahoo! Answers looking for relationship questions to help with. I still visit periodically and this blog shares some nuggets I found valuable. Maybe you will too. This is Answer You On Yahoo!
Today's question highlights a common obstacle couples face; overloading each other. To summarize, a husband inquired what to do when your job sucks, your kids are well - kids, and your spouse unloads you like the city dump. Mr. Under Valued's , his self reference, question was, "What do you do differently?"
I read through some of his answers and one stood out to me in particular:
"I could be wrong, but I thought your spouse was suppose to be the one you could trust to be your "dumping ground" without having to worry about being judged or angering them. I can understand that you are both stressed, but her way of dealing with it is talking to her husband, and trusting that he will be understanding and help her feel better. You have your parents and yahoo, she only has you. You said that. You should never view your wife as a burden." - Missy
Yes, Missy, you could be wrong. The fact Mrs. Under Valued has no one else other than her husband is a set up for an unhealthy co-dependence. Even in marriage, no one is suppose to be a "dumping ground". There should be a balance. Everyone should to have a way to release negative energy or in this husband's case, convert.
For a lot of reasons, it may not have crossed Mrs. Under Valued's mind that her husband would feel just as frustrated as she did before unleashing all her issues on to him. However, this could be alleviated with a discussion. Yes, a discussion. He should tell his wife that while she feels better he does not and it would be great to find a compromise which allows both of them to feel better after a frustrating day.
Everyone needs a release from stress. It's good to be able to take a break periodically. Whether it's sending the kids to their grandparents; or using free time during school days to work out together. There are some compromises which could shut down the negative dumping and re-establish intimacy within the relationship. Mrs. Under Valued could take a class to make some new acquaintances and expand her circle.
Having a few new comrades for leisure hangouts and girl chats could defuse tensions at home. It would certainly cut down on overloading her husband with endless, work gossip and frustration he can do nothing about. In relationships we often forget we are responsible for our own happiness. Our spouses are responsible for adding to our existing happiness. When we place extra responsibility on each other the relationship becomes strained. Our partners become overwhelmed. Eventually, the point comes when a person has to be refilled and replenished. Mr. Under Valued is simply yelling, "don't bring me no more bad news!"
Changing the discussion could be as simple as a decision to move on to something fulfilling in your life. We often think working a job is supposed to bring fulfillment, but that is not likely unless you happen to be gifted in your field. Your gift is the thing you're naturally awesome doing. It's the hobby you do in your spare time to relax, but never thought it could be a career. It's the thing you'll do for the rest of your life with or without a pay stub. Most importantly, your gift is the activity which gives you the greatest sense of "this is what I am supposed to be doing". Working together to create a more fulfilling life will change the conversation at home.
Doing these things differently not only makes for better conversation, but sets a great example for the children. Seeing mom and dad value the financial benefits of job while turning a passion into a career encourages them to do the same. Children learn some of their healthiest and/or unhealthiest habits following what is modeled for them rather than what is said to them. Before long your children may come to you asking for tips on how to make a success out of what fulfills them. Maybe this change is one for the entire family.
Today's question highlights a common obstacle couples face; overloading each other. To summarize, a husband inquired what to do when your job sucks, your kids are well - kids, and your spouse unloads you like the city dump. Mr. Under Valued's , his self reference, question was, "What do you do differently?"
I read through some of his answers and one stood out to me in particular:
"I could be wrong, but I thought your spouse was suppose to be the one you could trust to be your "dumping ground" without having to worry about being judged or angering them. I can understand that you are both stressed, but her way of dealing with it is talking to her husband, and trusting that he will be understanding and help her feel better. You have your parents and yahoo, she only has you. You said that. You should never view your wife as a burden." - Missy
Yes, Missy, you could be wrong. The fact Mrs. Under Valued has no one else other than her husband is a set up for an unhealthy co-dependence. Even in marriage, no one is suppose to be a "dumping ground". There should be a balance. Everyone should to have a way to release negative energy or in this husband's case, convert.
For a lot of reasons, it may not have crossed Mrs. Under Valued's mind that her husband would feel just as frustrated as she did before unleashing all her issues on to him. However, this could be alleviated with a discussion. Yes, a discussion. He should tell his wife that while she feels better he does not and it would be great to find a compromise which allows both of them to feel better after a frustrating day.
Everyone needs a release from stress. It's good to be able to take a break periodically. Whether it's sending the kids to their grandparents; or using free time during school days to work out together. There are some compromises which could shut down the negative dumping and re-establish intimacy within the relationship. Mrs. Under Valued could take a class to make some new acquaintances and expand her circle.
Having a few new comrades for leisure hangouts and girl chats could defuse tensions at home. It would certainly cut down on overloading her husband with endless, work gossip and frustration he can do nothing about. In relationships we often forget we are responsible for our own happiness. Our spouses are responsible for adding to our existing happiness. When we place extra responsibility on each other the relationship becomes strained. Our partners become overwhelmed. Eventually, the point comes when a person has to be refilled and replenished. Mr. Under Valued is simply yelling, "don't bring me no more bad news!"
Changing the discussion could be as simple as a decision to move on to something fulfilling in your life. We often think working a job is supposed to bring fulfillment, but that is not likely unless you happen to be gifted in your field. Your gift is the thing you're naturally awesome doing. It's the hobby you do in your spare time to relax, but never thought it could be a career. It's the thing you'll do for the rest of your life with or without a pay stub. Most importantly, your gift is the activity which gives you the greatest sense of "this is what I am supposed to be doing". Working together to create a more fulfilling life will change the conversation at home.
Doing these things differently not only makes for better conversation, but sets a great example for the children. Seeing mom and dad value the financial benefits of job while turning a passion into a career encourages them to do the same. Children learn some of their healthiest and/or unhealthiest habits following what is modeled for them rather than what is said to them. Before long your children may come to you asking for tips on how to make a success out of what fulfills them. Maybe this change is one for the entire family.
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| Shawnee Eskridge |
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