Romance (His)

By: Terrence Eskridge, Marriage Mentor

Bible Tools: Love and Marriage / Becoming The Husband She Needs

My wife asked me to define romance. Well, I always pictured romance as flowers, candy and the like. Honestly, I don't have a clue besides the basics. So to me, romance is to make someone else happy by showing them you love them. For Shawnee, I try to focus on ensuring her security concerns because making her feel secure seems to be the most important thing for her. Somehow, romance makes her feel secure.

It has been my experience that a lack of romance means an unhappy wife. Shawnee needs to feel loved, wanted and have constant affirmation. I don’t always feel romance brimming through me. I often get worn down by work or other happenings in life. Because of that I don’t always give her the romance she requires just to operate on a daily basis. Lack of romance has caused stagnation and resentment.

We had a lot going on in the first years of our marriage. Shawnee at one point expressed to me she felt that she would have been better off if she hadn't married. Shawnee felt trapped under the weight of all the problems. It took me some time to understand that lack of romance didn’t cause those feeling. However, lack of romance helped her to stay in those feelings. Before my wife, I never thought of romance as something that could help ease the hard times.

My wife and I had many different, individual experiences which defined what romance actually is to each of us differently. I never actually saw anyone showing their love to a significant other growing up. In reality, I never really gave or received it in my dating life except what was generally expected like Valentine’s, Christmas and birthdays. I never had any passion in any relationship and was just kind of floating along.

Sometimes I throw all of myself into a romantic gesture; something to let her feel loved. However, the truth is the gesture doesn't have a great effect because Shawnee needs it more often than just when things are bad. I used to personally feel just being present was the best thing I could do. I grew up without a (consistent, strong) fatherly presence.

I had a few moments with my uncle and with my dad. Still, no one told me how to treat a woman right. Initially, the few things my dad did tell me were wrong. These things I didn’t see him try to correct until well after his second divorce. All that remained as examples around me were mothers only wishing for the presence of a man willing to be there instead of always leaving, but my life is different.

My wife is passion incarnate.These differences caused quite a few difficulties. There are still some, but we have learned how to communicate these differences with each other. I have opened myself to learning more about what she requires to breathe in our relationship - romance.