Stop Being So Easily Offended
By: Shawnee Eskridge, Faith Based Clinical Therapist
Bible Tool: The Unglued Challenge
Terry and I have been married a little over eight years now. However, if I am honest, the best part of our marriage started only two years ago. When we started out the honeymoon phase fizzled out by year three. Neither of us were prepared for what came next - a lot of disagreeing. More to the point the intensity of the disagreeing. Everything felt like "the end".
I grew tried of all the fighting in what I would like to consider as rather quickly. However, what really happened is that it took two years and me throwing around the "D" threat a lot for me to begin questioning myself. I got fed up with me; with my contributions to the conflict. I got to a point where something had to change. It was either me, the marriage, or both. I learned a while ago (over 10 years), when praying for your marriage to change, to learn to expect God to work on you first. (Thanks, Stormie Omartian!)
It's become routine for me to give things over to God when I am at my wits end and ready to give up on a project or someone. This time I learned about me and the way I moved within my marriage. Example, Monday through Friday I balance running a small business from home and completing the domestic duties around the house. However, on the weekends I touch nothing. I give myself a break and sleep in. When I get up if I see the house is (1) still a mess from Friday night or (2) an entire new mess after I worked so hard during the week, then I am livid.
My displeasure came out in a lot of ways, but they all had one thing in common - anger toward my husband. I care not to attempt to count how many times I broke (if not completely dismissed) the golden rule "Don't go to bed angry". I was angry. I held on to that anger because at my core I was offended. I was offended because no one showed me the consideration in two days that I showed them in the previous five.
Lack of compassion or consideration is a huge pet peeve of mine. I mean it's serious. So serious that not washing the dishes turned into "not being loved" and being "tired of being the maid". Next thing you know I am exploding all types of angry, verbal slurs to the man who is supposed to be my life partner and man of God of my house. It was bad.
I wish I could tell you it was simple as I prayed, my attitude changed instantly and a new marriage began. That's not what happened. I prayed, yes. God showed me I wasn't approaching it the way he would have necessarily wanted me to approach it. The way which would get me the result I wanted in the long run. I got upset with God. I didn't want to have to tell my husband to do the dishes. No one has to tell me to do the dishes Monday through Friday. I didn't want to have to give my husband the same directive I give our children. So, this too offended me.
I noticed a pattern had developed. I get offended and nothing gets done. Then, God showed me something else. When I get offended I stop asking for what for the things I need. I stopped communicating from a place of clarity. I was literally blocking myself from receiving the love God has for me within my husband.
So, when I would blow up in fits of anger because the dishes or laundry hadn't been done all weekend, my husband would do what it took to solve the problem right in front of him. However, he was not being equipped to solve the problem in our marriage.
I had to back off being offended long enough to tell my husband, "This is a problem for me in our marriage that I am expected to do ALL of the domestic duties ALL of the time."
Terry's response to me was, "I don't expect that of you."
I explained to Terry, "When no one else helps out around the house it sends the message to me that no one else feels it's their responsibility to do it and that I am expected to do it. I makes me angry and not like you at ALL."
Turns out this was a revelation to my husband. To save time I will just tell you that based on how Terry grew up, he just thought those were things women did naturally. He took for granted the example that was set in front of him. Women did double duty working both inside and outside the home. The was no male figure helping around the house when he was growing up. Therefore, I inherited a husband who, initially, did not help with domestic duties.
This was a textbook case of "you have not because you ask not." I am blessed in that I have a husband who does love me and wants to meet my needs in this marriage. Therefore, if I take the time to express the importance of something to him (and leave him the occasional Post-It note) I usually get what I need out of him. I just had to learn to stop clinging to being offended in order to receive that love in exchange.
So yes, I prayed. Then, God showed me myself. Then, my actions changed and with practice my attitude changed. Then, my marriage changed. We replaced the habit of being offended with the habits of praying about our offenses first; talking and listening to each other second; and last taking steps to make change (compromise). Sometimes you have to choose. Do you want to stay offended or do you want love?
If you want the latter, put your offense to the side and be open to the possibility that communicating with a peaceful, clear and direct approach (one that is solution based) may get you the love you want.
Bible Tool: The Unglued Challenge
Terry and I have been married a little over eight years now. However, if I am honest, the best part of our marriage started only two years ago. When we started out the honeymoon phase fizzled out by year three. Neither of us were prepared for what came next - a lot of disagreeing. More to the point the intensity of the disagreeing. Everything felt like "the end".
I grew tried of all the fighting in what I would like to consider as rather quickly. However, what really happened is that it took two years and me throwing around the "D" threat a lot for me to begin questioning myself. I got fed up with me; with my contributions to the conflict. I got to a point where something had to change. It was either me, the marriage, or both. I learned a while ago (over 10 years), when praying for your marriage to change, to learn to expect God to work on you first. (Thanks, Stormie Omartian!)
It's become routine for me to give things over to God when I am at my wits end and ready to give up on a project or someone. This time I learned about me and the way I moved within my marriage. Example, Monday through Friday I balance running a small business from home and completing the domestic duties around the house. However, on the weekends I touch nothing. I give myself a break and sleep in. When I get up if I see the house is (1) still a mess from Friday night or (2) an entire new mess after I worked so hard during the week, then I am livid.
My displeasure came out in a lot of ways, but they all had one thing in common - anger toward my husband. I care not to attempt to count how many times I broke (if not completely dismissed) the golden rule "Don't go to bed angry". I was angry. I held on to that anger because at my core I was offended. I was offended because no one showed me the consideration in two days that I showed them in the previous five.
Lack of compassion or consideration is a huge pet peeve of mine. I mean it's serious. So serious that not washing the dishes turned into "not being loved" and being "tired of being the maid". Next thing you know I am exploding all types of angry, verbal slurs to the man who is supposed to be my life partner and man of God of my house. It was bad.
I wish I could tell you it was simple as I prayed, my attitude changed instantly and a new marriage began. That's not what happened. I prayed, yes. God showed me I wasn't approaching it the way he would have necessarily wanted me to approach it. The way which would get me the result I wanted in the long run. I got upset with God. I didn't want to have to tell my husband to do the dishes. No one has to tell me to do the dishes Monday through Friday. I didn't want to have to give my husband the same directive I give our children. So, this too offended me.
I noticed a pattern had developed. I get offended and nothing gets done. Then, God showed me something else. When I get offended I stop asking for what for the things I need. I stopped communicating from a place of clarity. I was literally blocking myself from receiving the love God has for me within my husband.
So, when I would blow up in fits of anger because the dishes or laundry hadn't been done all weekend, my husband would do what it took to solve the problem right in front of him. However, he was not being equipped to solve the problem in our marriage.
I had to back off being offended long enough to tell my husband, "This is a problem for me in our marriage that I am expected to do ALL of the domestic duties ALL of the time."
Terry's response to me was, "I don't expect that of you."
I explained to Terry, "When no one else helps out around the house it sends the message to me that no one else feels it's their responsibility to do it and that I am expected to do it. I makes me angry and not like you at ALL."
Turns out this was a revelation to my husband. To save time I will just tell you that based on how Terry grew up, he just thought those were things women did naturally. He took for granted the example that was set in front of him. Women did double duty working both inside and outside the home. The was no male figure helping around the house when he was growing up. Therefore, I inherited a husband who, initially, did not help with domestic duties.
This was a textbook case of "you have not because you ask not." I am blessed in that I have a husband who does love me and wants to meet my needs in this marriage. Therefore, if I take the time to express the importance of something to him (and leave him the occasional Post-It note) I usually get what I need out of him. I just had to learn to stop clinging to being offended in order to receive that love in exchange.
So yes, I prayed. Then, God showed me myself. Then, my actions changed and with practice my attitude changed. Then, my marriage changed. We replaced the habit of being offended with the habits of praying about our offenses first; talking and listening to each other second; and last taking steps to make change (compromise). Sometimes you have to choose. Do you want to stay offended or do you want love?
If you want the latter, put your offense to the side and be open to the possibility that communicating with a peaceful, clear and direct approach (one that is solution based) may get you the love you want.
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